Thursday, April 28, 2011

This week I have been mostly thinking : about the wedding of Kate Middleton and Prince William

So, we’re on the eve of the Royal wedding and I feel it is my duty to expose it as the sham it is. I am about to tell you a story which may shock and appal you, which may stun you to your very core.
Brace yourself............I was the clandestine male lover of Prince William for 5 years.
It was a true, but sadly forbidden love, between a prince and a pauper, a wonderful fairy tale but without the happy ending it so deserved.
Our eyes first met across a crowded room at a charity ball. I remember it like it was yesterday.
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful it’s true. I saw your face in a crowded place and I don’t know what to do, cause I’ll never be with you. That’s what I thought on that fateful night when I returned home to my lonely flat in London. Little did I know the adventure that lay ahead of me.
It was a whirlwind of romance, each stolen embrace forever treasured in my aching heart, but why must we keep our love a secret, surely a love this right could never be wrong.
It all came to a head one frosty night in November 2010.
Willy: ‘Spod  I must marry Kate’
Me: ‘Why Willy? I love you, isn’t that enough?’
Willy: ‘You know very well why I must, I must have an heir to carry on the Royal line, and nature will not allow you to bear my children’
Me: ‘What about Harry?’
Willy: ‘You know as well as I do he’s not my real brother, the heir would not be legitimate, this doesn’t mean the end for us, just look at my father....’
Me: ‘I won’t be your Camilla Willy, I just won’t. I can’t just fade into the background and watch as you deceive that poor woman’
Willy: ‘I’m the future king of England, you will do as I say’
Me: ‘You heartless bastard....’
Willy: ‘That’s right. Just walk away like you have from everything else in your life..and don’t think anyone will believe you if you go to the papers about us’
Me: ‘How could you...I would never stoop so low. Goodbye my precious lord of Cockermouth’
And that’s the last I saw of the man in person. My heart was broken and I fled the country. I just hope that on his wedding day, perhaps as he is goose stepping into the Nazi themed reception Harry has arranged for him at Buckingham palace, that he spares a thought for his first and only true love.
Now, that story isn’t actually true.
I just felt compelled to write something about the Royal wedding, which at this moment appears to have inconceivably captured the attention of the entire planet, and when I sat down to think about it, I discovered I had no opinion about it whatsoever. I was totally ambivalent to the whole thing.
I can’t explain what the obsession is and I haven’t got the inclination to even ponder what it means. Perhaps it’s just a media fabrication and nobody actually gives a monkies.
It reminds me of the last time there was an extraordinary outpouring of emotion about a member of the royal family.

What are your thoughts about the Royal Wedding, will you be dabbing the tears from your eyes or the drool from your terminally bored chin? Please feel free to comment.


  1. Haha...this is hilarious.
    A few were talking about the wedding here in India too. It was really strange or maybe it's not considering the wonderful 200 or so years when the British colonised India. lol.

  2. I have no issues with the British though. I listen to British music mostly but you's of the ones who made albums like The Queen Is Dead. :)

  3. The British have done some pretty horrendous things throughout history. Our music is one of the better things about our country though...along with Marmite, Real ale and Twiglets.