Friday, June 17, 2011

This week I have been mostly distressed: by the Hungry Jacks 'Wrap and Cap' advert

Now, I don't have anything in particular against Hungry Jacks (apart from the undeniable fact that it is partly responsible for the ballooning waistlines of the general public), on occasion, I've even found myself forcing a Whopper into my gluttonous face hole, but I never imagined in my wildest nightmares that they would be capable of producing anything like the despicable piece of foulness I’m about to show you.
You may want to place a bucket nearby, or even watch it while seated on the lavatory, because what you are about to see may induce spontaneous projectile vomiting and/or your bowels to void themselves in the most violent fashion imaginable.
Brace yourselves.....

Okay, let’s take a breather and analyse what we’ve just seen.
A man who was previously more than satisfied with a bacon and egg roll for breakfast has discovered the ‘Wrap and Cap’ and is pretty happy with it.
‘How good is this?’ He says.

Well, I don’t really know enough about it to make an informed decision. Please, tell me more.

Flame grilled sausage....good

Bacon, egg and cheese wrap...I like it

Toasted...he’s mentioned the fact it’s toasted like it’s a real deal breaker, maybe he doesn’t realise most people watching this ad possess the rudimentary tools required to toast not only wraps, but also related items such as bread and bagels.

A real Cappuccino made from freshly ground espresso beans, with all that fluffy chocolaty stuff...okay, I’m not really a coffee fan but........

.....dear god what just happened? Was that.....I think it was.....yes, the most irritating thing I’ve ever experienced.
The part where he suffered some kind of involuntary spasm and uttered the following sentence:

‘ooooohhhh, I feel like I’m part of the in crowd’

I don’t know what happens in the advert after that moment; I normally black out, coming around sometimes hours later in a cold sweat and with a feeling that I’ve been grossly violated. Once you’ve experienced something so profoundly annoying it’s hard to recover from it.

I mean, for gods sake, what kind of ‘in crowd’ does this man thinks he’s a part of now he’s got his ‘Wrap and cap’. Presumably some kind of clandestine organisation who sits around building sites sipping Cappuccinos’ in an outrageously effeminate manner.

It’s safe to say this advertisement had the reverse effect on me. Never again will I set foot in a Hungry Jacks restaurant let alone indulge in the fluffy chocolaty stuff on a cappuccino.
Not because of any moral outrage at the fact they are poisoning us with their food, but because every time I see a Hungry Jacks, I visualise that moronic oaf uttering the words: ‘ooooohhh I feel like I’m part of the in crowd’ and it makes me want to force feed him Whoppers until his liver turns into foie gras. Which I will then remove and put into a breakfast wrap (not purchased from Hungry Jacks) before lustily devouring it. Who's part of the in crowd now? Mwah Ha Ha Ha.................

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

This week I have been mostly writing: Spods Log

I'm sure you may be aware of the crushingly inane chatter most people continuously bombard the world  wide web with through the medium of Facebook and Twitter. Maybe you're as apoplectic with rage as I am everytime you stumble accross an ill judged comment made by some poor sap with the delusion that the population at large has any interest in what he or she has to say.
Maybe you're thinking 'Dear god, if only someone would provide some enlightening and groundbreaking chat as an antidote to the general malaise'. Well fear not good citizens, the antidote has arrived.
Yes, I have allowed myself to open the floodgates of my expansive and quite brilliant mind. And here is the result:

Spods Log, is a weekly diary of my thoughts and actions. The thoughts and actions of a brilliant man on the cusp of greatness. Strap yourselves in ladies and gentleman. Enjoy the ride.

Monday 8th June:

Today I contemplated if eating too many carrots will actually make your skin turn orange. More importantly, if this can be achieved, can anything be gained from resembling an Umpa Lumpa.
On reflection, probably not.

Tuesday 9th June:

I may have discovered what has been causing my bouts of mid-afternoon flatulance. Today I had toast for breakfast instead of cereal. Could it be too much milk in the cereal causing the problem? I didn't have to sneak out of the office today to clandestinely break wind so I think I might be on to something. Another triumph!

Wednesday 10th June:

I fell asleep on the train journey home from Sydney today. I awoke just outside Woy Woy with my mouth agape and my head lolling. Everyone in the train carrige was staring at me. Was I dribbling? No, the shirt front was dry. Perhaps I'd been talking in my sleep, what did I say? I could've asked't.

More Spods Log to follow next week.