Now, you’re obviously aware that X factor is further evidence of the downfall of western civilisation, but the Australian version appears to have thrown up an intriguing character in the form of Altiyan Childs. He’s in the over 25’s section of this overblown karaoke fandango and is so cheesy you could grate him onto your spag bol.
Before I continue with Altiyan though, I’ll give you a quick rundown on the Australian judging panel:
Kyle Sanderlands – this mildly obnoxious misogynist breakfast DJ plays the pantomime bad guy Simon Cowell role and is the ‘mentor’ of the boys, who he menaces convincingly with his well groomed beard.
Guy Sebastian – winner of the inaugural Australian idol, this man ‘mentors’ the groups and is often seen sporting a ridiculous sailors hat for reasons beyond comprehension.
Natalie Imbruglia – she ‘mentors’ the girls and is far more palatable than Danii Minogue.
And finally...... Ronan ‘Life is a Rollercoaster’ Keating, perpetrator of numerous crimes against humanity, he is the mentor of our beloved Altiyan and has tried to trip him up at every turn with his atrocious song selection.
In fact, Australia appears to be the graveyard of these Irish purveyors of turgid ballads and insipid dance pop. For a country famed for its tight border security, it is surprising that they would let in such insidious organisms as Ronan Keating and Brian McFadden who pose such an undoubted danger to the eco system of the country.
But back to Altiyan, he’s an aging rocker who is using X factor as his last throw of the dice and it’s about time that I show you how spectacularly this man can deliver.....just look at that neckerchief for God’s sake.
I'm sure you're dabbing the tears from your eyes after that wind blowing performance, and I sincerely hope the Australian publc continue to support Altiyan so we get to see him sing a Miley Cyrus cover at Christmas.