Thursday, October 21, 2010

This week I have been mostly looking: into the cold dead eyes of Kyle Sandilands

Now, loath as I am to dwell on the cultural vacuum of X Factor, which like a year old McDonalds happy meal, refuses to perish. I would like to bring your attention to a disturbing discovery I made while watching it last weekend.
While Altiyan Childs, the scrawny bearded god of rock, was leaving the rest of the distinctly moribund contestants in his wake, my eyes were drawn to the unpleasant blot on the TV screen that is Kyle Sandilands melon.
As he looked on at Altiyan transcend the general malaise of the rest of the show I expected to see at least one or more of the following emotions flicker across his face: envy, admiration, joy, wonder, lust
But no. He just looked on with his cold, dead, expressionless eyes.
When his estranged wife made a guest performance on the show a couple of weeks ago as part of a simply dreadful sub Lady Gaga pop parody duo, I expected to see at least a hint of regret of love lost, or a saucy grin as he remembered the last time he saw her in the nude, but no, he just looked on with his cold dead eyes as the brazen strumpet cavorted on stage with female dancers in a suitably desperate fashion.
And as I looked into those eyes, the eyes of a shark, the eyes of the T1000 from Terminator 2, I thought.....hmmm......he really reminds me of another power hungry scourge of the poor and innocent from times gone by......and then it hit me:


Kyle Sandilands is the reincarnation of Henry VIII.
When you think about it the similarities are striking, the syphilis, the crimes against the catholic church, the beheading of wives(sentencing your wife to a short lived career in an insipid pop duo is the equivalent of beheading in my book).
I would wager that of a weekend, Kyle likes nothing more than strutting around his suburban mansion wearing an over sized ornamental codpiece.
After this frankly terrifying mental image we need a pick me up, and what better than a viewing of Altiyan from last week.
While you watch, consider those orgasmic expressions on Ronan Keatings face, the polar opposite of Kyle Sandilands, are they being caused by sheer joy at Altiyan's performance? Or could he possibly be being felated under the desk by some un-named floozy? And what would be the expression on Kyle's face if he found out the shocking news that Mr Keating was having his trumpet blown live on air? Well of course, he'd be looking on expressionless, out of those cold.....dead......eyes.

No comments:

Post a Comment